JOURNEY OF A WOUNDED SOUL

It wasn’t just the heartbreak

I was everything that led to the breakup and the breakdown

Everything that led to the dead end relationships

The loneliness, the co-dependency, the settling, the low self-esteem

The feelings of doubt, guilt and shame

The years of being told who I was, who I wasn’t and who I would never become

The anger, the rage, the bitterness, hatred and resentment

The abandonment … the unforgiveness

Periods of prolonged sadness and grief

All have me acting in my feelings, living in my emotions … living and feeling, but wounded and dead

Layers of grief and death, a spiritual death, a soulful death masked by the physical pain of a smile

And just when I think I’m past it and moving on, a trigger, a reminder tears off the scab and re-opens the wounds

… Pouring in the alcohol of all the unresolved issues leading to necrosis of the soul and creating an unhealed heart and broken spirit; so bound and confused that I can only continue this life of comfortable pain, inflammation in a perpetual state of weariness …

Until I become anesthetized by the pain and no longer cognizant that my behaviors have now led to a destructive and dysfunctional lifestyle.  The deep wounds, now invisible to me, but blinding to others … delaying and really avoiding the healing process because now there is familiarity in my pain

… With my soul tied to past and broken relationships, childhood hurts and disappointments from which I could not find relief or release

The wall went up, I wore the mask and the scabs covered the wounds until one day I got sick and tired of being sick and tired as I pondered why life had to hurt so bad.

Disgusted by myself, I could no longer self-medicate with empty relationships, comfort food, church work and being a work-a-holic

Enough was enough; I cried with no more tears, I screamed until only God heard

It was time to unlayer, unmask and unpeel away the years of agony, pain and grief…

To free my spirit, to give my soul relief

When no one else could help God heard my despairing cry, wrapped me in his arms and ministered to my spirit and my soul

And so the process of processing began as layer by layer I began to find deliverance, regain peace and renew my hope

Realizing as it took time to get to this place, time alone would not heal all my wounds and pain

It took a full surrender; God’s healing hand and wise counsel, learning new patterns of behavior and acceptance of real love, divine love, self-love … God’s love

And now I honor and respect my soul, the place where God resides. I wear the scars, but I am free

Out of my feelings and led by the Spirit, my soul rejoices as I have transitioned from being defined by what happened to defining what will happen…

Working to help other sisters find liberation, healing and deliverance

So for those sisters still in an emotional struggle, draw near to God as you face your own humanity. Find wholeness in your brokenness. You are pressed, but not crushed; Perplexed, but not in despair; Knocked down, but not destroyed.

Allow the Spirit to penetrate your soul … Salvation over situations, compassion over circumstances, faith over feelings, the blood over brokenness, time over temptation, grace over grief, healing over hopelessness …

The pain is real. The emotions are raw, but there is a balm in Gilead to heal your soul.